Do You Hate Your Children?
“Too many parents today hate their children…” says Elisabeth Elliott in her devotional today. You can read the entire devotional, but it comes down to parents who keep control of their kids love them, but those who let them run wild do not.
There is the issue of the rod in this devotional, and I do believe there are many effective ways to discipline your kids that do not involve spanking. That being said, we do spank. Not beat, or abuse or embarrass to get the desired results just in case you are thinking to call CPS on us. =)
Parenting is hard, no doubt. It’s even harder for someone like me who tends to be a little more lax and go with the flow. Little things generally don’t bother me and I let them slide. I will be the first to admit consistency is not a trait I carry. I forget what I’ve said, or too many times use the “pick your battles” excuse to let those little things go.
However, what has happened over the past several months with a mommy who has that attitude is my children have become defiant in not only the little things but what I consider the big things too. Sassy mouths with ugly tones do not go over well with me and when I get this from my six year old who is normally a pleaser, I knew there was a problem. Frankly, it started with me and now it is up to me to fix it.
I have had to be more cognisant of what our family rules are and stick to what I say NO MATTER WHAT. Because it does matter when you tell a child she can’t have a mint, and half an hour later when she is sneaking one, and you think “pick your battles, does this mint really matter?”
Ummm, YES it does!
For about two weeks I have felt like the meanest mommy ever. I have been completely worn out from teaching and re-teaching the appropriate way to respond to mommy, daddy and adults in general. We’ve been working heavily on first time obedience as well.
I’ve had to spank. I hate spanking. It takes more time than you think so sit and talk about why someone (mostly Mini-T…she’s hard headed not unlike someone else I know) is getting said spanking all the while she is pleading to be spared. I have to remind her life is about choices, even when you are three. Choose wisely my child; choose wisely.
But, yesterday I saw a shimmer of hope. My sometimes moody big kid obeyed all the way, right away and in a happy way…that’s usually the part that gets left out. A child with a smiling “Yes Ma’am” just made my day.
We have a long way to go. It takes a long time to train up a child. Hopefully not a lifetime, but certainly more than two weeks. For all you mommies who are in the trenches, you are not alone in wanting to do the right thing.
The right thing does not include over indulging your kids, letting them pick your battles, and fearing what will happen if you discipline them. I want my kids to know they are loved enough that I care what they turn out like and who they turn into.
Thank you for this! I was talking with someone about this very thing yesterday! My daughter is only 18 months, but it is still an important time to start these “rules” and follow through. Thanks for the encouragment.
This is a wonderful post. I’ve had many many similar thoughts lately!
Blessings and Merry Christmas,
Karla
I loved how you said for the kiddos to pick “your battles.” I know if you stick with it you will see results. Keep it up, sister!
Great stuff, Robin. I think the more tired we are easier it is for us to “not go there” on certain things with our kids. I’m much more patient at the beginning of the day and am willing to “lay down the law” then. It’s during the evening hours when I am usually fried that I don’t bother with discipline. It does take more than two weeks, doesn’t it?
Robin- great post! I am the more lenient one in our home unfortunately so the boys get away with a lot more when I’m here than when Brandon is. We are working on trying to be more consistent as a team. I do get irritated with the kids and sometimes wish they were a certain way in front of other people. I’m trying to learn to let them be who they are. They still need to be respectful and kind, but they can do it in their own way and not the way I want them to. Parenting truly is one of the hardest jobs, isn’t it?
Amen! I am so guilty of forgetting what I said, or, like you, picking the battles, but have recently been going through the same process of re-training them in what obedience means. Our daughters’ school teaches “slow obedience is NO obedience” and I love that! It really is a struggle when you feel like all you are doing is correcting and punishing, but you are so right- if we love them we need to do the hard stuff.
Thanks for the great post- it is encouraging- we seem to be in a similar mode with our girls right now. A friend of mine calls it “re-setting” their obedience button.
I am right in there with you….a bigger one, a middle one (5 yo) and a little one. We, too, have been spending an awful lot of time practicing coming to Mommy the first time, answering in a kind voice and having a cheerful heart. And I soooooo totally agree….truly loving your child means disciplining your child….even though it is so hard, and it’s so easy to worry, “Will she still love me if I do this?” Love is bigger than that! Cool post!
I will be attending Carol Burkhart’s seminar on Wednesday…my mother-in-law is going with me, as DH will not. I am hoping this helps with our four-and-a-hal year old. I look forward to sharing more later.
So because you call hitting spanking it is appropriate . Maybe your husband should lay a lesson on you for oh I dont know not doing something he thought or hell maybe you stole a mint when he thought it was not right. Hitting is HITTING AND ABUSIVE! no MATTER WHAT NAME YOU GIVE IT. IT MEANS YOUR OUT OF CONTROL AND CANT CONTROL THE CHILDREN OR MORE IMPORTANTLY YOUR SELF. IT MEANS YOUR KIDS ARE SCARRED OF YOU AND DONT RESPECT YOU, AND COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO WAS SPANKED AS CHILD IT SUCKS. YOU NEED PARENTING CLASSES AND SHOULD STOP SPREADING IT IS OKAY TO SPANK CAUSE YOU LOVE YOUR KIDS YOU SICKO! GET SOME HELP!
thank you so much. this has given me the strength to carry on. I’m at the end of my tether with my moody 5 year old. I don’t spank but don’t knock it either. we got a spank when we were kids and if we got one we knew we were in big trouble. thanks again.
Regardless of what’s being said in your comments I still HATE my kids/they lost their Father in August 09…..and they are teens from HELL/they act as if they forgotten home training, respect to themselfs and others. But over all I wish I never had kids/what the hell I was thinking!
Damn losers!!!!
Oh Tanya, I can sympathize with you! My 21 and 23 year old college students are still at home and I sometimes wonder if I got it right. The older one did get spanked only when we found “acts and attitudes of rebellion” in him (not for doing something bad or breaking something or forgetting something). We were softer on the younger son and did not spank him much. And it is no surprise that the younger one is the one we have trouble with now, and he almost has no fear to look me in the eye and be disrespectful, even talking back to his dad - which the older son would never do. We have moved from the disciplining and training stage with the 23 year old, to a mature relationship which involves trust and mutual respect. He is more like a best friend to us. The younger one has not earned that place yet, and we still find ourselves setting boundaries and taking away privileges if necessary with him.
I pray for these young men everyday and believe the verse “Never grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up.” My recommendation is to not give up and treat each child according to the merit they have earned. Take it one day at a time and give out the necessary response to a situation which brings you joy or pain. One little thing that helped me was making three charts for the refrigerator. One for household tasks (the boys trade weeks for doing dishes and laundry, taking out the trash and cleaning their bathroom, etc.), One for meals (each son has a night they must cook dinner for the family and they pick the menu and do the shopping), and lastly we have a chart for personal responsibilities - like Drs appointments, paying bills by due dates, sending thank you notes and birthday cards, and they must list their bank account balances each week on Friday. We discuss their budgets, savings, debt, and futures.
The older son will be moving out soon, and then we hope the added attention to the younger son will “break” him a little (he is like a wild stallion at times). Also, our biggest rule is that if they live in our house, they must text us if they are not coming home for dinner, or if they will be home past midnight. Then, if I wake up and they are not home, I do not worry. Please do not be dismayed, they really do turn a corner at some point. It is easy to focus on the bad things so much that we forget to notice the good things and show them our happiness. If they think they can’t win and make you happy some of the time, they will stop trying. God Bless you, and I will pray for you, and your wonderful children, too.