Do You Hate Your Children?
“Too many parents today hate their children…” says Elisabeth Elliott in her devotional today. You can read the entire devotional, but it comes down to parents who keep control of their kids love them, but those who let them run wild do not.
There is the issue of the rod in this devotional, and I do believe there are many effective ways to discipline your kids that do not involve spanking. That being said, we do spank. Not beat, or abuse or embarrass to get the desired results just in case you are thinking to call CPS on us. =)
Parenting is hard, no doubt. It’s even harder for someone like me who tends to be a little more lax and go with the flow. Little things generally don’t bother me and I let them slide. I will be the first to admit consistency is not a trait I carry. I forget what I’ve said, or too many times use the “pick your battles” excuse to let those little things go.
However, what has happened over the past several months with a mommy who has that attitude is my children have become defiant in not only the little things but what I consider the big things too. Sassy mouths with ugly tones do not go over well with me and when I get this from my six year old who is normally a pleaser, I knew there was a problem. Frankly, it started with me and now it is up to me to fix it.
I have had to be more cognisant of what our family rules are and stick to what I say NO MATTER WHAT. Because it does matter when you tell a child she can’t have a mint, and half an hour later when she is sneaking one, and you think “pick your battles, does this mint really matter?”
Ummm, YES it does!
For about two weeks I have felt like the meanest mommy ever. I have been completely worn out from teaching and re-teaching the appropriate way to respond to mommy, daddy and adults in general. We’ve been working heavily on first time obedience as well.
I’ve had to spank. I hate spanking. It takes more time than you think so sit and talk about why someone (mostly Mini-T…she’s hard headed not unlike someone else I know) is getting said spanking all the while she is pleading to be spared. I have to remind her life is about choices, even when you are three. Choose wisely my child; choose wisely.
But, yesterday I saw a shimmer of hope. My sometimes moody big kid obeyed all the way, right away and in a happy way…that’s usually the part that gets left out. A child with a smiling “Yes Ma’am” just made my day.
We have a long way to go. It takes a long time to train up a child. Hopefully not a lifetime, but certainly more than two weeks. For all you mommies who are in the trenches, you are not alone in wanting to do the right thing.
The right thing does not include over indulging your kids, letting them pick your battles, and fearing what will happen if you discipline them. I want my kids to know they are loved enough that I care what they turn out like and who they turn into.
Thank you for this! I was talking with someone about this very thing yesterday! My daughter is only 18 months, but it is still an important time to start these “rules” and follow through. Thanks for the encouragment.
This is a wonderful post. I’ve had many many similar thoughts lately!
Blessings and Merry Christmas,
Karla
I loved how you said for the kiddos to pick “your battles.” I know if you stick with it you will see results. Keep it up, sister!
Great stuff, Robin. I think the more tired we are easier it is for us to “not go there” on certain things with our kids. I’m much more patient at the beginning of the day and am willing to “lay down the law” then. It’s during the evening hours when I am usually fried that I don’t bother with discipline. It does take more than two weeks, doesn’t it?
Robin- great post! I am the more lenient one in our home unfortunately so the boys get away with a lot more when I’m here than when Brandon is. We are working on trying to be more consistent as a team. I do get irritated with the kids and sometimes wish they were a certain way in front of other people. I’m trying to learn to let them be who they are. They still need to be respectful and kind, but they can do it in their own way and not the way I want them to. Parenting truly is one of the hardest jobs, isn’t it?
Amen! I am so guilty of forgetting what I said, or, like you, picking the battles, but have recently been going through the same process of re-training them in what obedience means. Our daughters’ school teaches “slow obedience is NO obedience” and I love that! It really is a struggle when you feel like all you are doing is correcting and punishing, but you are so right- if we love them we need to do the hard stuff.
Thanks for the great post- it is encouraging- we seem to be in a similar mode with our girls right now. A friend of mine calls it “re-setting” their obedience button.
I am right in there with you….a bigger one, a middle one (5 yo) and a little one. We, too, have been spending an awful lot of time practicing coming to Mommy the first time, answering in a kind voice and having a cheerful heart. And I soooooo totally agree….truly loving your child means disciplining your child….even though it is so hard, and it’s so easy to worry, “Will she still love me if I do this?” Love is bigger than that! Cool post!
I will be attending Carol Burkhart’s seminar on Wednesday…my mother-in-law is going with me, as DH will not. I am hoping this helps with our four-and-a-hal year old. I look forward to sharing more later.
So because you call hitting spanking it is appropriate . Maybe your husband should lay a lesson on you for oh I dont know not doing something he thought or hell maybe you stole a mint when he thought it was not right. Hitting is HITTING AND ABUSIVE! no MATTER WHAT NAME YOU GIVE IT. IT MEANS YOUR OUT OF CONTROL AND CANT CONTROL THE CHILDREN OR MORE IMPORTANTLY YOUR SELF. IT MEANS YOUR KIDS ARE SCARRED OF YOU AND DONT RESPECT YOU, AND COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO WAS SPANKED AS CHILD IT SUCKS. YOU NEED PARENTING CLASSES AND SHOULD STOP SPREADING IT IS OKAY TO SPANK CAUSE YOU LOVE YOUR KIDS YOU SICKO! GET SOME HELP!
thank you so much. this has given me the strength to carry on. I’m at the end of my tether with my moody 5 year old. I don’t spank but don’t knock it either. we got a spank when we were kids and if we got one we knew we were in big trouble. thanks again.
Regardless of what’s being said in your comments I still HATE my kids/they lost their Father in August 09…..and they are teens from HELL/they act as if they forgotten home training, respect to themselfs and others. But over all I wish I never had kids/what the hell I was thinking!
Damn losers!!!!
Oh Tanya, I can sympathize with you! My 21 and 23 year old college students are still at home and I sometimes wonder if I got it right. The older one did get spanked only when we found “acts and attitudes of rebellion” in him (not for doing something bad or breaking something or forgetting something). We were softer on the younger son and did not spank him much. And it is no surprise that the younger one is the one we have trouble with now, and he almost has no fear to look me in the eye and be disrespectful, even talking back to his dad - which the older son would never do. We have moved from the disciplining and training stage with the 23 year old, to a mature relationship which involves trust and mutual respect. He is more like a best friend to us. The younger one has not earned that place yet, and we still find ourselves setting boundaries and taking away privileges if necessary with him.
I pray for these young men everyday and believe the verse “Never grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up.” My recommendation is to not give up and treat each child according to the merit they have earned. Take it one day at a time and give out the necessary response to a situation which brings you joy or pain. One little thing that helped me was making three charts for the refrigerator. One for household tasks (the boys trade weeks for doing dishes and laundry, taking out the trash and cleaning their bathroom, etc.), One for meals (each son has a night they must cook dinner for the family and they pick the menu and do the shopping), and lastly we have a chart for personal responsibilities - like Drs appointments, paying bills by due dates, sending thank you notes and birthday cards, and they must list their bank account balances each week on Friday. We discuss their budgets, savings, debt, and futures.
The older son will be moving out soon, and then we hope the added attention to the younger son will “break” him a little (he is like a wild stallion at times). Also, our biggest rule is that if they live in our house, they must text us if they are not coming home for dinner, or if they will be home past midnight. Then, if I wake up and they are not home, I do not worry. Please do not be dismayed, they really do turn a corner at some point. It is easy to focus on the bad things so much that we forget to notice the good things and show them our happiness. If they think they can’t win and make you happy some of the time, they will stop trying. God Bless you, and I will pray for you, and your wonderful children, too.
It seems the firmer I am and the more I hold strong and reinforce words with actions, the more defiant my 5-year old is getting. Being stern and no nonsense seems to be backfiring. My child has problems being impulsive and aggressive with other kids. I cannot spank or I am a hypocrite for teaching we do not hit others and then turning around and hitting him…
My boys are driving me insane. I am going through divorce due to their father making a very bad decision in life and now he is in jail, totally letting this family down and I am not going to have anything to do with him any more. The boys are 13, and 8 year old twins. They continually try me in every possible way. It is unbelievably difficult to be a single parent. One is a high functioning autistic. I am so tired and worn out from dealing with them. I don’t hate them, but sometimes I really have to tell myself that over and over. I don’t like to spank, that is physically too hard for me, they are as big as me and the 13 year old WAY bigger. I just wish they would behave. The 13 year old is the best one, sometimes he tries to help me, but that just makes the twins behave worse. I take away priviledges, try to talk it out with them. Occasionally if it is something bad I will spank. Sorry to all of you who disagree, but you are not in my situation. I am glad to see I am not the only frustrated parent. God bless us all.
Christy … my heart goes out to you. But … it also goes out to your poor kids! They are only young and cannot be dealing with this situation with their father well, they too must be totally worried, upset and exhausted by it.
My children too were absolutely hellish to deal with as they grew up. But I didn’t spank. I was spanked as a child and know only too well how it ruined not only my childhood but also impinges on my life now. [I am 56] In short - I lost my respect and love for my parents. LONG story.
One day, if you are not careful, that 13 year old may lose it and turn around and hit you… if he gets angry and upset enough. I don’t say this to upset you or make you feel terrible … just to tell you how it can happen. This may sound simplistic and foolish .. forgive me … but have you actually sat the children down .. individually … and talked with them?? Let them see how worried you are and how interested in how THEY feel too ?? Have you no friends or family that can give you a little respite now and again?? I know though that we don’t all have this possibility.
My children are grown now and are great adults and very gentle.
I have a 15 yr old daughter and though I never spank, I feel that is just parents letting out fustration negativly. I know how hard it is and I have at time had to lock myselfe in the bathroom just to get away and calm down. I found the website empowering parents, google it. It seriously saved me I thank God for it daily. Tanya, Michelle and Christy I hope you google empoweringparents it will change your life. I pray you have strength in your darkest times…
I have a 7 year old, who I think has O.D.D. (Oppositional Defian Disorder)
She laughs every time she gets in trouble, and thinks that when we discipline her it is funny, a joke. She shows no remorse for her actions, and I am really scared that she is going to turn out to be someone she shouldn’t be. She has such great potential, I just wish she could be more understanding to others, and be respectful of them too. I am at my wits end with her and often times I think about who can help me…this is a major problem and has been going on for some time now…It’s exhausting, emotionally draining and physically tiring. I just pray it changes…
My 12 year old son has never showed any remorse. When we have a sit down talk about his behavior he just repeats, “I didn’t do anything”. I told him this morning not to leave his room but ten minutes later his in the living room watching t.v.. I asked him what he’s doing “Nothing”, he says. I am at my wits end. He doesn’t care for others, no sharing, no thoughtful gestures, rude, and aggressive. He still wets the bed. He sees two doctors and has been in treatment for six years. He gives his doctors the same lines about being innocent. I honestly wish I hadn’t conceived him. He seems destined for a life of crime. We teach our children love and compassion. I homeschool all five of them. He is the only one that acts like he’s had no home training. He’s like a street child! I am in therapy but I can’t say the sessions are helping with my guilt. He has me questioning my faith. I am not strong enough to handle a screaming, whining, and tantrum-ridden child 18 hours a day. I gave him dry pants last night. I didn’t even address the wetting because I don’t want to humiliate. He started screaming that his pants were fine. He was in the bathroom for two hours having a fit about changing. I just wanted to go to bed. I have toddlers that get up early. The other children resent the time he takes from them. My nine year old says, “Yeah, Yeah, It’s always about M.”. I think he loves the attention. If I don’t pay him the attention he will bang his head against the wall or bed, then tell me look what I did. Maybe I was terrible in a past life and this is my Hell. He lies constantly, big and small stuff. He told his Sunday school teacher his loose tooth was were I punched him in the month. He was 8 at the time..it was just a baby tooth. I spent a year with CPS, courts, and home visitors. He put our entire family at risk of being torn apart. He repeated his story to the CPS. My mother (nana to him) asked him what happened. He said I got a baby tooth coming out, Nana. Can I have a dollar? I don’t trust him at all. I won’t leave him alone with another child; either he hits them or tells a lie on them. I have a camera in the playroom. M. normally is the trouble starter. I am exhausted. I’m trying so hard to show him love. He screams at me not to touch him. His therapist has the pick your battles and ignore the bad behavior system. I feel like I’m kissing his butt 24/7. Believe me I just want to knock some sense into him. I don’t because I realize that would only make me feel better. It would do nothing for him. Everyone try to stay strong. I hope I can survive.
I am having difficult problems with my 4 year old she don’t listen to anything we tell her she here a whooping and she gets an explaination as ro why she got it. She continues to do what we tols her not to do. Example to go to bed she will wait for her sisters to go to bed and wake them up so she don’t have to go to bed. She don’t listen to her dad when I go to work period , she might as well flip him off and tell him no. Like the simplest task he tells her she tells him no and says I don’t want to. Even if he makes her she will scream at the top of her lungs, as if he’s beating her But I am on the phone when it beta this bad. She has no respect for no one when I have taught her better then this its making my 3 and 2 year old the same way. I just don’t know what to so anymore. I get callable everyhour while I’m at work and wi can’t concentrate on what I am supposed to do. I’m lost and to my breaking point to where I don’t want to even come home any more.